No one makes you pay more than yourself when you make a mistake. Each one of us has the unique ability to make ourselves feel more guilty, horrified, ashamed, and anxious than anyone else in the world. From stepping on your dog's tail, to scratching your neighbour's car (even though they should not have been parked that close), breaking your parents' favourite mug, the list goes on. Each time we made a mistake, it was often accompanied by that gut-wrenching, anxiety-filled dread. Small mistakes are pretty easy to recover from, you broke a glass, okay im fine, cleaned it up, moved on, others are not so easy to move on from.
When we make a mistake and someone attacks us for it, it's really nice. We can justify, defend, excuse, apologize, make amend and all kinds of actions we can take to remedy. But what about all the other mistakes, the ones no one is around to give us heck for?
Well, thats is were we become our own worst enemy. Crushing our own spirit, making us feel incompetent. I have been there, and if you're reading this, I would wager so have you. So how do we move forward? How do we deal with our self-criticalising behaviours, self-sabotaging and self-destructing behaviours coming about as a result of a mistake?
Here are five easy (ish) steps to help you move on when you make a mistake.
1. Acknowledge. Take a second, put aside all excuses and delusions. Accept the mistake for what it is. A mistake.
2. Self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, you are not a perfect being, you will make mistakes, you have made mistakes, and you will continue to make mistakes. The best way to do this is to treat yourself like you would your best friend after they made a mistake, with compassion, empathy, understanding ... and ice cream (or cake ... or really anything that tastes great).
3. Make amends... if possible. A simple act of contrition can do a lot to help with the guilt. Leave a note, pay to replace, hug the dog and give him lots of treats, whatever it takes to make amends. Where making amends cannot be done, taking the time to ensure you do not repeat the same mistake is a good second option.
4. Why. Try to understand how and why that mistake came about. Some will say there is something to be learnt from making a mistake, and there might be, but be aware that there might also be nothing to learn here. So learn from it if you can. Either way, try to figure out how you can prevent yourself from repeating the mistake. A therapist can help you with this.
5. Forgive. Once everything is said and done, you need to now forgive yourself. Even going so far as to say "I forgive you (insert your name here)". A big part of forgiving yourself is accepting your role in the mistake and being able to move on from it.
Those are the five steps; it does not mean the end of it. You might have to repeat the process. I have often found that when a mistake keeps replaying in your mind, it comes down to: there is still something you can do about it, you still have something to learn from it, or you need to talk to someone about it (like a therapist, hint, hint).
The dangers of not letting go of your mistakes lie in the harsh self-criticism that can come about as a result of not letting go. No one is harsher with you then your self. No one knows your mind as you do, therefor no one knows better how to tear you down or lift you up than you do.
By Andre Stam, RP, CCC, OCT, is a psychotherapist who specializes in sleep, teacher support, burnout, anxiety, and depression. He has training in CBT. CBT-I, DBT, SE, and Narrative therapy.
